I was thinking about what to write next in Cake Girl's world this afternoon...
It got me thinking. I want to talk about my curves. Yes.
When I first met The Boy, I had been through a VERY bad breakup, which involved me being in self-destruct mode, which involved smoking too many Vogue menthol's (Ah! I miss them!), not eating nearly enough (and junk food at that) and generally hating myself. I became, quite slim. Well slim for me.
I look back at old photos (see?) of my toned tummy.... All starved and sitting pretty. Beleive it or not, I used to be able to eat a whole load of cake, and it wouldn't go anywhere. I know, not fair, huh? *strokes screen*
So anyway... I had a bright idea. I decided, I want to try something different from the pill (I bet you're thinking "what's this got to do with anything?"), so I decided to have a look into the Implant.
Now guys, this probably won't be a very relate-able story, so my apologies. But this is something I have wanted to get off my chest for yonks now.
Off I trotted to the doctors. Happy, merry, thinking about how I won't have to take another pill I may even never have a period (hurrah!) and of course, I don't have to go back to the doctors for agggggges! Wahoo!
In I went to get this tiny weeny rubber white stick popped in my arm. Cool! I thought. I even made my friends touch it under my skin, it was gross!
A few days went by... I was still training at the gym, but started to get headaches. I never get headaches. These very quickly turned into migraines. It was so bad, I had to stay in bed and even missed work. I felt really upset all the time. I found myself crying over everything, anything. I became paranoid, even of myself and began to feel incredibly scared as to what the hell was going on.
I also had THE worst visit from *Mother Nature* of my life, with a constant, ridiculously heavy period. After phoning the doctors several times, to which I heard "It will settle" or "Your body is just getting used to it", I decided to leave it in for a month in hope that it may soon 'settle'.
After one month I put on 1 1/2 stone in weight. Shocker. I was going to the gym religiously to try and stop it, I even stopped eating to try and stop it. I cried. I noticed all of my friends, my boyfriends friends suddenly looked at me differently. My close friends knew what pain I was going through, but from the outside, I looked like I suddenly gave up on my appearance. I was completely devastated. *gets emotional reminiscing* I was deeply hurt that people would assume I just ate too much. Little did they know...
I admit, when I saw this picture tagged of me on FB, I cried.
I booked in to have the implant out. Typically, the day before I had it taken out, I found a forum online which hundreds of women had written on, who had all gained up to 3 stone in a YEAR being on this horrid nasty evil stick. I CANNOT beleive how naiive I had been, thinking this stupid stick would solve my problems of forgetting to take my pill. How foolish I felt.
I immediately felt unattractive to The Boy. I remember bursting into tears in front of him numerous times, saying how much he must hate me, and how unattractive I must be.
I had a massive row with my doctor having it out. He didn't want me to have it out (little did I know, doctors get PAID to put these implants in, so of course they don't want to take it out of their patients? How RIDICULOUS is that?), and I just demanded with my arm stuck out, that he do it right there and then. How dare someone in the medical profession, ignore excessive weight gain, migraines and depression. I'm still utterly disgusted.
That was last year in May. I have literally worked my BUTT off at the gym to try and get back down to the real 'me'.
My hormones immediately recovered, I felt normal, happy and not tearful. The only thing that is still effected now, is my period. They are irregular.
Anyway, I wanted to set the record straight to anyone who thought that my love for cake had actually taken over me, or thought I didn't care about my appearance, I got 'fat' for hormonal reasons (the implant), which wasn't my fault.
I am still not happy with how I look, if I'm truthfully honest. I get worried if I can't get to the gym and I beat myself up if I can't go. I'm terrified of feeling how I felt before. It was just horrible. I would not wish that upon anyone.
I tell you what I am going to do though, from now on, is celebrate my curves. Or try to at least. I'm a lot smaller than I was (HURRRAAAAAAAH), but I am who I am. I'm never going to be skinny. I don't want to be either. I just want to be happy, bouncy, confident and curvaceous. Big butt, big boobies, small waist. Yes.
I just wish, that anyone else going through what I went through, knows there is light at the end of the tunnel, many women have had similar problems with weight gain on the implant, and most importantly, if you're eating correctly, and exercising, it's not your fault. I was lucky enough to have supportive people around me, and be strong minded enough to be able to pull through and see it as motivation rather then deterrence.
My personal trainer has been just fabulous too. He has really boosted my confidence, and made me realise I can achieve my highest fitness levels.
Have a fabulous weekend lovelies... <3 xxxx
